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Download E-books Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me PDF

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By Chelsea Handler

"My tendency to make up tales and lie compulsively for the sake of my very own entertainment takes up a significant portion of my day and offers me with a peace of brain now not simply possible during this financial climate."--Chelsea Handler, from bankruptcy 10 of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

It's no lie: Chelsea Handler likes to smoke out "dumbassness," the humans be afflicted by that permits them to fall prey to her model of entire and utter nonsense. neighbors, relatives, co-workers--they've all been tricked through Chelsea into believing tales of overall foolishness and into behaving like overall fools. fortunately, they have lived to inform the stories and, for the first actual time, write approximately them.

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Oh, my God, Heather. I didn’t take any being pregnant try out. i assumed it might be humorous to make you think that i used to be pregnant, yet now it’s simply getting tense. examine your self. ” “You quite aren’t pregnant? I’m so bummed. ” “Well, I’m sorry. Come on, me pregnant will be the worst. should you imagine i will be able to be a complain now, think if I have been fats and couldn’t drink,” she acknowledged as she pulled open the door and exited the lavatory. And that was once it for Chelsea. She by no means thought of that lie back or what a toll it took on my existence for 6 days. As I washed my palms, I watched the soapy water slide down the drain in addition to my goals of the in-office daycare, frivolously used clothier maternity and child outfits, relatives holidays on yachts, and prestigious Westside preschools. I seemed within the replicate feeling a bit bloated from the entire sushi after which unexpectedly remembered I hadn’t taken my contraception tablet that day. I instantly pulled it from the interior pocket of my handbag, popped it into my mouth, and swallowed it dry. Michael Broussard (Chelsea’s and my publication agent), Eva (Chelsea’s right-hand woman), and me in Cabo on a employees journey. those are the explanations all of us submit along with her shit. DANCING WITH the celebs one among my lifelong occupation pursuits, along with securing a hair product endorsement deal, is someday to be a contestant on Dancing with the celebs. I paintings the key, and Fortune and i've a imaginative and prescient board in our workplace of items we wish to accomplish. at the poster is a photograph of Justin Bieber from J-14, a Pantene advert with that girl from What to not put on, and a photograph of me dressed up in a Dancing with the celebrities dress entire with sequins and a scorching crimson feather boa. in contrast to folks within the workplace, i'm sincere approximately my wish to be on television and think that being on Dancing with the celebrities would actually aid my profession. I’m sorry, yet I dance with my sons in my bed room whereas observing the convey, and the waltz doesn't glance that tough. Let’s simply say I’m no longer afraid to seem to the facet and stroll backward. along with, how adorable could my little ones glance all dressed up and cheering me on within the viewers? So in the future, in our ordinary morning assembly, Chelsea, who's very upload yet hasn't ever been clinically determined and accordingly doesn't take Adderall, all of the sudden became to Tom, our government manufacturer, and stated, “And we have to come again to the casting director from Dancing with the celebs approximately who we expect will be sturdy at the show,” after which shoved one other forklift of arugula and hummus into her mouth. “You don’t are looking to do it? ” I requested Chelsea. “No, that convey is a nightmare, despite the fact that I’m a terrible dancer. ” Then Brad piped in: “Well, the most obvious selection is Chuy. ” “We already pitched him, yet they can’t take a bit individual simply because there are too many dances he couldn’t rather practice with a regular-size dancer,” Tom acknowledged. “There has obtained to be one other little individual specialist ballroom dancer whom they can lease who may be his partner,” Brad argued. At that time i wished to scream out, “Chuy complains approximately jogging from the kitchen again to his workplace.

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